About 90% of the time, I don’t know what I want to do with my life. But right now I am combining that with also not knowing where I want to be. I don’t mind trying out new places to live, and in fact, I enjoy it. However, this morning I thought about the year ahead and where I will be living, both at home and in the city. It is a strange thought because I have been traveling, and the thought about going home should be comforting. I think about going home, but I don’t know where it is that I would like that place to be. All these places I want to go, all these things I want to do – they keep changing as time unfolds. The game keeps changing.
Strategics, planning ahead – if you don’t, you will find yourself in a vulnerable position. I have been picking up skills and knowledge about the world with each passing year, because that’s how we grow. Wisdom with age. They ain’t kidding. I may not like making mistakes, but I love learning from them. What little crinkle a mistake at a younger age makes prevents you from making a larger one down the road. This is my strategy. To get tousled around, emotions running wild, fuck-ups, break-downs. Screw reading a self-help book. You learn so much more in the field than from a book. I’ve made friends with people twice my age to get a different perspective and learn from their mistakes and success. This is what I do to prepare me with what life throws at me.
Every so often, I step back, try to collect myself and go through the aspects of my life. Friends, family, love, education, work, money, health, and happiness. At this moment, there are some that I can’t count for because I have nothing really going for me. I am on holiday from school, I don’t have a job, I can’t remember the last time I checked my bank account (mainly out of fear), and I haven’t been able to focus myself long enough to settle in a relationship. And everything else is a little so-so on my rating of success.
I’ve got another year of university coming up, another year in which I get caught up in the business of the city, stress of school and the future, and the drama with the people surrounding me. As the last few years have proved, this is not a recipe for success. I would like to plan ahead to diminish these toxins as much as I can.
This is where we get back to the game. And this is where I have to ask myself, “What is my position?”
When I really think about it, I have always seen myself as a pawn. I haven’t actually moved from the stage of learning to doing. I have gained skills, knowledge, perspective – I have the ability to accomplish things but make myself as a small pawn. I’ve been frustrated, I’ve been bored, anxious. It is time I be promoted.
Now I got to work on how..